Hurt

Hurt

I feel unable to speak.

If I open my mouth

will you listen to me?

So many things I feel helpless about

Scared and uneasy

I struggle with my self control.

Intimacy

is it such a flaky thing?

If I am troubled

must I remain silent

at the risk of becoming a wall?

When I met you

we were two troubled souls

searching for peace

in the midst of insanity.

You the so-called abuser

Me abused by somebody else.

Together we found understanding.

I like to think I have given to you

that our relationship has been

mutually satisfying.

As I sit here in pain I wonder

at how closely connected

and what a thin line there is

between love and darkness.

Memories

In these times I know my mind,

it is not like before.

In those days of forgetfulness and rage

I used to sit in quiet moments

tears rolling down my face

for the woman I could be, but was not.

Somewhere in my heart I know I was only waiting

for someone to take my hand, releasing me from those fears.

Now I look back on those days, some sorrow remains.

Mostly there is joy for the woman I have become,

and I am still growing.

Now those memories matter only in passing,

for they help me to see how far I have come

from memories.

Sorrow and Hope

Sometimes I feel like I'm sinking down,

the world around me too much to bear.

My burden is heavy

and my sorrows many.

Thats when I remember

how much you care.

When I had resigned

and felt so abused,

I couldn't think clearly.

I was confused.

You came into my life

to show me the way.

Now I grow stronger

every day.

Convenient Girl

Convenient Girl

I change my hair.

I change my face.

Still within I feel disgrace.

The queen that once was

has lost her crown.

A painted smile

hardly hides a frown.

I always was a convenient girl,

living in a changeable world.

I wore black to hide my spots.

In the end it didn't matter much.

Drifting in and out of life,

I can't say I was lost-

only tragically convenient.

Reaching out to the face in the mirror,

A painted smile,

for such a convenient girl.

I wear dark glasses

to hide my fears.

My eyes are dry,

they hold no tears

for the wicked ones

who lost their way.

They weren't flexible enough ,

they couldn't stay

with the bitter queen

and her careless ways.

When did I stop being

a convenient girl?

The Dance

The Dance

Why must we be victims of chance?

Locked in daily circumstance ?

There is no love, and no romance,

when we are locked inside this power dance. 

Were you my partner or just a thief?

Did you come into my life to bring relief?

I guess it all lies in what we believe.

What we give out isn't always what we receive.

Don't play with me,

I am not a toy.

My life was never yours to destroy.

This dance is nearly over

and I have grown.

Now who is left standing all alone?

Over You

I suppose I miss you.

I suppose I care. But you know I still remember ;

You  were never there.

When I needed you most to understand

you were holding someone else”s hand.

Sometimes I feel I'm over you,

but you know these feelings just won't  die.

I thought that I was over you

Sometimes I just need to cry.

I cry for your memory.

I cry to forget.

I cry knowing I love you.

Sometimes I wish we had never met.

I suppose I love you.

I suppose I care.

I still remember

you were never there.

When I needed you most to understand

you were holding someone else's hand.

Sometimes I feel I am over you,

but you know “I do “

means I will never really be

Over you.

  Voices

Thorny and caged

I wrestle with

my own inner demons.

Once I knew them by name

now they are only thoughts

worrying my otherwise peaceful mind.

Voices from the past cry for attention

“I no longer belong to you,”I  scream.

As if I ever did.

Misery

Misery

Misery loves company.

She will say “He doesn't live here any more.”

As you gaze longingly upon her doorstep,

you know you shouldn't be here -

that's for sure.

She lives inside her shadow box,

curtained windows hide her eyes.

You say you know her.

Do you really?

You know he's gone ,

and that's all you care about.

“Give a little .”

“Give a little piece of your heart”,she says.

“Stay a while .“

The smile that lights her eyes

is just the moon ,

without any shadows.

She stands laughing ,

in her doorway-

luring you in ,

with her dangerous lips.

Misery loves company.

She will say”He doesn't live here anymore.”

As you gaze longingly upon her doorstep,

you know you shouldn't be here-

that's for sure.

Alone

We stayed up all night talking.

He wanted to know all about me,

who I was and where I'd been.

He laid his body next to mine.

I opened up my heart to him.

Together we destroyed the past,

hoping for a brand new start.

What we found was a life in shadows,

as slowly our world was torn apart.

I thought that he could make me whole.

Instead he made a great big hole,

and  began filling it with  his fears.

I was alone for all those years.

Over You

I suppose I miss you.

I suppose I care. But you know I still remember ;

You  were never there.

When I needed you most to understand

you were holding someone else”s hand.

Sometimes I feel I'm over you,

but you know these feelings just won't  die.

I thought that I was over you

Sometimes I just need to cry.

I cry for your memory.

I cry to forget.

I cry knowing I love you.

Sometimes I wish we had never met.

I suppose I love you.

I suppose I care.

I still remember

you were never there.

When I needed you most to understand

you were holding someone else s hand.

Sometimes I feel I am over you,

but you know “I do “

means I will never really be

Over you.

Heart And Bones

Heart And Bones

You stand there like a statue,

A martyr to your pain.

If I tried to reach you

would you send me away again?

I was in your arms.

I felt empty and so alone.

I was in your arms.

I reached out to you

but there was no one home.

How can you live with someone

and yet feel so alone?

I was just a prisoner

I was just a prisoner

I was just a prisoner

of my heart and bones.

You were my beloved,

cold as marble

soft as rain.

If I tried to  reach you

would you send me away again?

I was in your arms .

I felt empty and so alone.

I reached out to you,

there was no one home.

  How can you live with someone

yet feel so alone?

I was just a prisoner

I was just a prisoner

I was just a prisoner

of my heart and bones.

Where Do We Go From Here?

Where do we go from here?

I am standing in your shadow,

small as a child.

You were larger than life,

larger than my dreams.

You stretched out your hand-

you stretched it out to me.

Could you wash away the sadness?

Could you wash away these tears for me?

Its not like washing my hands,

You see the dirt just won't come off. 

Scared inside me.

Scared to see what I have been living.

Who am I?

Who  are you to make me feel  this?

Is this really what I needed?

Now that I am in it,

where do we go from here?

You  said you knew me.

I didn't know myself.

I was only asking you for love,

I didn't know it had a high price.

I didn't know it would come to this.

Violation

Violation

You take away the pieces of me

disposing of them efficiently

all the pieces of my life gone before we ever met.

There isn't much left of me after you are done.

What was I thinking

as you piled them up for disposal?

”You have to do it right or the past will come back to haunt you”

is what you said.

The only thing that haunts me now is you.

The Bones Of Memory

Bones

My bones

Letters and pictures

the embodiment of me.

Poetry and music

clothing and art

How did he do   it?

He took me apart.

Dissecting neatly

all the pieces of my life.

Thrown out with the garbage

Then he made me a wife.

“To honor and cherish,

till  death do us part.”

I had already died

throwing away the pieces of me

making room for the shadows that became my life.-

Child

Child

Child, as I hold you in my embrace

I feel your breath upon my face.

This is a moment we both may share.

A memory time cannot erase.

As you lie sleeping ,I feel frozen in space.

In this moment's peace

this is our place.

Broken 

A mother's love must prevail.

I was broken when you met me.

I guess I'm broken still.

In my hands I hold four children

Love is all they ask of me.

How can I give love

when all I feel is pain?

How can I give love

when sadness is all I see?

The Waiting Song

She waited for him through the driving snow.

As she waited, how could she know

He was warm in an others arms,

He was warm in an others arms.

He was warm in an others arms.

As she waited the snow was getting deeper.

The baby cries,

mother's eyes are dry.

Too many lonely nights

with only the snow for a cover.

He was warm in an others arms.

He was warm in an others arms.

He was warm in an others arms.

As she waited her heart was getting colder.

“Daddy where are you?”

The baby is crying

“Daddy where are you ?”

Mommas eyes are dry.

“Don't squeeze me so tight,Momma.

The snow is so pretty.

Daddy where are you?

Baby wants a song,

and Momma's eyes are dry.”

She waited for him through the driving snow

As she waited  ,how could she know

He was warm in an others arms

He was warm in an others arms

He was warm  in an others arms.

“Daddy where are you,?

Momma's eyes are dry.”

Mine

Mine

I watch you dancing on the stage,

thinking “That could be me.”

And then there are choices.....

Some of us are made to dream.

I see your paintings on the wall.

“This could be mine....”

My life is calling as I turn away.

At the closing of the day

I kiss my children and turn out the light.

Smiling ,I think “This is mine.”

So Far Away

So far away

Empty arms where I used to hold you.

Tired legs no longer walk beside you.

Aching eyes cry , no longer beholding you.

Are you lost out there without me?

Do your arms long for mine.

Do you think of me

when you lie your tired body down ?

I know that you are not alone.

Others care for you.

Others watch you as you grow.

Others comfort you when you fall.

Do they tell you to be strong, only babies cry?

I wish I could cry with you ,

or dry your tears ,

holding you as your eyes close.

Sleep does not come easy,

as you are so far away.

Watching

Watching

A mother watches the father and child,

wondering at their special bond

which she may never share.

Destined to observe ,she attempts to understand

the journey of two hearts, one big,the other small.

They are growing together, needing each other

and playing silly games.

Longing to join in ,instead she watches,

basking in the warmth of their special bond.

The mother smiles , knowing this is real.

Touch

Touch

I don't want to sleep now,

my mind is tired and my body is weak.

I can hear the children's voices -

Was it so long ago?

If I could reach out my arms

to touch them now,

I would give you every tear my heart has cried.

I would give them all the love I have,

so deep ,and so wide.

If I could just touch them now.

I don't want to sleep now.

When I sleep you are with me again.

You ,the deceiver who stole my dreams.

You wrapped them in their little coats,

tied their shoes and stole away.

If I could reach with my arms

and touch them now,

I would give you every tear my heart has cried.

I would give them all my love,

so deep and wide.

If I could touch  them now.

Mother

Mother

Time is spiraling backwards ,

as I am sucked into my mother's womb.

Where I came from becomes a mystery.

Where I will end up is anybody's guess.

Watching myself entering the world of sounds;

bright lights are all around me .

Hands are pulling and probing.

I don't like the sound of my own voice.

It comes out shrill as a bird,

forced into a cage of harsh realities.

Somewhere I hear crying .

Not me, it is  coming

from the outside.

I try forming a question with my tongue too small.

Gazing deep into my mother's eyes ,I cannot speak the words ,

as I realize the tears were hers.

I listen to her secret voice ,

speaking words of comfort I can understand-

“How can I protect you ,little one ,

when I cannot help myself?

I never meant to bring you into my sadness.

I sought only to create something happy--

to share a little beauty with an otherwise gray world.”

Its alright mother, I forgive you.

Her eyes were closed by then.